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Author Topic: Sex - Part 2  (Read 37158 times)

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Offline dmh1566

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Sex - Part 2
« on: May 22, 2007, 04:17:29 pm »
Medicare & Sex

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor
raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming,
he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50, and he says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist  
to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, they  have
intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have
to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here
for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
« Last Edit: September 04, 2009, 12:01:16 am by DoggyDaddy »

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Fireman Sex
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2008, 08:51:51 pm »
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.

' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied   '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
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Offline DoggyDaddy

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'Holy Prostitutes'
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2009, 03:17:25 am »
 
'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES


He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES


Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT


His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
[/b]
He climbs the steps and rings the! bell.. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door..'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. 
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
« Last Edit: March 18, 2009, 03:19:26 am by DoggyDaddy »
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Childbirth at 65
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2009, 06:27:27 pm »
Childbirth @65




With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.



'May I see the new baby?' I asked



'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'



Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.



After another few minutes had elapsed,



I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'



'No, not yet,' replied my friend.



Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'





'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.



'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'



'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'     :o
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Magic Sandals,
« Reply #4 on: March 25, 2009, 12:40:12 pm »

A married couple were on  holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around 
the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they  passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican  accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble  shop.'

So the  married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals  I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at  sex.'

Well, the  wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what  the
man claimed, but  her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he  was.

The husband  asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex  freak?'

The  Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,  finally gave in
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got  this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the  blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over  the table,
yanked down  his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a  firm hold of the
 Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2009, 02:06:48 am »
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange  noises
coming from the bedroom.  She rushes upstairs to find her husband
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy!

Aunt Susan is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into bed room,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
 
Sure  enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
 
'You rotten #######,' she screams.  'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!'
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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How was I born ???
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2009, 01:17:55 am »

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! 
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room,
and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
that said: 


Scroll down...You'll love this ....
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 





'You got Male!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Watch out for older women
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2009, 11:57:01 pm »
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware
store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by
the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
 
However, struggling outside the feed store he now had a problem -
how to carry all of his purchases home. While he was scratching his
head he was approached by a little old lady who said she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Maiden Lane ?'
 
He said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
 
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm
and carry the goose in your other hand?'
 
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home.
 
On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'
 
The little old lady looked at him suspiciously and said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in that alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up
my skirt, and have your way with me?'
 
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that??'
 
The old lady answered, 'Well, set the goose down, cover him with the
bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket - - and I'll hold the chickens!'

 
 
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Great time at the beach
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2009, 06:14:36 pm »
Great time at the beach

A recently widowed Jewish Lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach,
Florida. She looked Up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket on the Sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling,she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
“Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied,
and again turned Back to his book.

“Do you live around here?” she asked.

“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted..
“Do you like pussycats?”

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers,
Tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man,
“How did You know that was what I wanted?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Italian Bread
« Reply #9 on: October 02, 2009, 06:19:05 pm »
 
 Two old guys,  one 80 and one 87,  were sitting on their usual park bench
 one morning.
 
 The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of
 breath.
 
 The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did
 to have so much energy.
 
 The 87 year old said, "Well,  I eat Italian bread every day.  It keeps your
 energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
 
 So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery.  As he was looking
 around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
 He said  "Do you have any Italian bread?"
 
 She said,  "Yes,  there's a whole shelf of it.   Would you like some?"
 
 He said,  "I want 5 loaves."
 
 She said, "My goodness,  5 loaves ...  by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
 it'll be hard."
 
 He replied,  "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this schit but me."

Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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A reason to change hotels
« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2009, 08:00:12 pm »
 
 Last week I checked into my favorite hotel, and was a bit lonely.
 I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone
books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found
an ad for a  girl calling  herself "Erogonique", a lovely girl, bending
over in the photo.
 
 
 She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
 long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
 
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
 
   'Hello,' the woman says.......... God, she sounded sexy.
 
 Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and
 I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
 alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want
 it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber,
 leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of
 tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up,
 cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'
 
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but please
 press  "9"  for an outside line.'     :D
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Only 24 hours to live
« Reply #11 on: October 10, 2009, 12:55:38 am »
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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11th Husband
« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2010, 07:58:26 pm »

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her
new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What ?" said the puzzled groom.
  "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband  #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed  to function;
but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said that everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but he wanted three years
to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was fromAdministration; 
he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure
whether it was his job or not..

"Husband #7 was in Marketing;although he had a product,
he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
.
"Husband #10 was a  Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...
...God I miss him !!

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why ?"

"You're with the  "GOVERNMENT "
  "This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED."
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Sex - Part 2
« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2010, 03:43:38 pm »
   INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT SEX:
                          Global Facts ... .. ..
         At Any Given Moment:
 
 
FACT:    79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now
 
FACT:   58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT:   37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT:   1 old timer is reading emails.  
 
 
You hang in there, Sunshine …
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Sex - Part 2
« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2010, 08:20:48 pm »
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat',
agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog
while they were away on vacation. She had a large house
however and believed that she could keep them apart
but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling
and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage
as so frequently happens when they mate.
 
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
 
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.
"hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing
will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".
 
"Do you think that will work?" she asked
 
"It just worked for me" he replied.
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/