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Offline BigBooper

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Something for thought
« on: December 13, 2010, 12:41:41 am »
I drive on the parkway and park on a driveway

DUH?

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Something for thought
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2011, 05:15:28 pm »
Could Have Been Worse

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends
with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would
always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit,
his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible,
that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?
He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2011, 09:50:35 pm »
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
From a guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
 
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
 
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
 
Am I wrong?
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
 
The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
 
A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
 
A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
 
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
 
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:
 
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
·     The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was..
·     My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
·     My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
·     I had no control over the drooling.
·     Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
·     I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
 
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought - Your STRESS Level
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2011, 12:28:53 pm »
       Different Levels of Stress:

You pick up a hitchhiker,  a beautiful girl.  Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital.


Now that's stressful!


But at the hospital they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are
going to be a father.  You say that you are not the father, but the girl
says you are.


This is getting very stressful!


So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and
probably have been since birth.


You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.



NOW THAT'S STRESS!!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2011, 08:58:40 pm »
WHAT DID THEY INSCRIBE ON ROCK HUDSONS TOMBSTONE?
ASHES TO ASHES, DUSK TO DUSK...
IF YOU HAD STUCK WITH PUSSY...YOU'D STILL BE WITH US!


WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIKE AND LOVE?
SPIT...AND...SWALLOW!
   

What do you call two skunks in a sixty nine position?
Odor eaters!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2011, 05:08:24 pm »
This is not for the publically inept.
I had just come out of the store with two porterhouse steaks, a jumbo sausage, a bag of chips, and a 6-pack of beer.  A homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days."
I told him, "I wish I had your phucking will power."

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.  She said, 'sorry about the wait.'  I said, 'don't worry; you're bound to lose it eventually.'

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout.  She had on a pair of jeans that said, 'Guess.'
I said, "I don't know........maybe 350 pounds."

Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away.'  But since many doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

I took my Biology exam last Friday.  I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.  Apparently Blacks and Mexicans were not the correct answers
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #6 on: August 27, 2011, 07:57:42 pm »
One day my Mother was out, and my Dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 years old. Someone had given me a little tea set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water. After several cups and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was just the cutest thing! Mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Dad; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2012, 07:16:06 pm »

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO  PONDER:

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7

Good health is merely the  slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6

Men have two emotions:   Hungry   and   Horny .                         
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you  feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months,
maybe years


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals,
dying of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought 

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow.


- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age -- it doesn't last that long."
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #8 on: June 22, 2012, 11:26:45 pm »
'Someone asked the other day,
'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home
from work, we sat down together at the dining room table,
and if I didn't like what she put on my plate
I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid
he was going to suffer serious internal damage,
so I didn't tell him the part about
how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him
about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house,
never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course,
never traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card.
The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice.
This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and
the station went off the air at midnight,
after playing the national anthem and a poem about God;
it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. and
there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.

I was 14 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and
it was on a party line. Before you could dial,
you had to listen and make sure some people
you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --
my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.
It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents.
He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers.
His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and
told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers
were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut.
At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings
because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone
to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food,
you may want to share some of these memories with your
children or grandchildren Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and
he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it..
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.
She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.
I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board
to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember,
not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1.  Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3.  Candy cigarettes
4.  Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5.  Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6.  Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7.  Party lines on the telephone
8.   Newsreels before the movie
9.   P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning..
(there were only 3 channels...[if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2012, 09:25:31 pm »
 
This is not only a cute story but who wouldn't love this absolutely beautiful rooster, "Old Butch."

                            Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens),
called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it  couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation among the  judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"
but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up
on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention

Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible!!!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2013, 11:07:17 am »
LOL FUN, see where your mind goes???? How many will you get? 
GET A PENCIL AND PAPER.  NO CHEATING!!!!!!!!!!


Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I’m at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers Below:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4.chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush, of course!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Something for thought
« Reply #11 on: April 26, 2013, 02:34:23 pm »
He Passed the English Quiz
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world,Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was:.. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand. Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer.. When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!
He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/