Genies and Fairy Tales

[DoggyDaddy]

A GENIE IN A LANTERN

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it...
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan ,
Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks open a beer,
lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
 

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

 A Fairy tale
 
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside a
Maryland immigration office.

 'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'

 The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

 The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !  
he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

 The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a  
three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for  
my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my  country.
I want to bring them all over here . . . and -- PING ! --  
in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three
car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale
neighborhood overlooking the bay.

 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.


 'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American  
clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of  
this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans . . . and --
PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a
Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth
back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

 The fairy said 'Tough schit, Mac, Now that you are a White American,  
you have to fend for yourself.'

 And she disappeared.

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed
a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender,
"What's that all about?"

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy
asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said,
"Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle
and make one wish."

"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and
rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said,
"You have one wish."

The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks.
A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and
the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back
in the bar with a million ducks all around him.

The guy was astounded and said to the bartender,
"Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied,
"Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

The Female Genie ...
 
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden
 found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
 
 Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
 "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
 
 Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
 Don't you know who I am?
 I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
 
 The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
 returned to that bottle forever."
 
 Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence
 of the woman  and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three
 American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.
 
 "The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
 
 The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
 Tonya  Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
 
 His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
 
 God is good.

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.  

His horse has already died of thirst.  

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.  

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.  

He opens it and  out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.  

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management  Agency) ID badge
and a dull gray dress..  

There's a calculator  in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked  behind one ear.
Well, cowboy, says the genie....You know how I work....You have three wishes.

I'm not falling for this. Said the
cowboy...I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.
  

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.    

OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..

***POOF***  

 

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.

My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.

 
***POOF***  

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins
and precious gems.    

OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will want and need me.

***POOF***  

 

He was turned into a tampon.    Moral of the story:  

 

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached!!!

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

   
ONCE UPON A TIME, there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.
What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants? * * * * * M & M's of course. Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
Now what were you thinking?

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

A Wish To Live Forever
 
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
 
"I want to live forever," I said.
 
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
 
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"
 
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

Bill Clinton finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie.

The genie gives Bill one wish.

Bill pulls out a map with many red marks on it and says "I'd like world peace."

The genie says "You are asking too much of me. Even I can't bring peace to all the world."

Bill says "Ok. Well just make my wife trust me."

And the genie says "Let me see that map again."

• Tweet