Aging

[DoggyDaddy]

Observations on Growing Older ---

~It's harder to tell navy from black!
~Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before,
you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around!
~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them, ...
but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Yellow becomes the big color...walls...hair...teeth!
~Going out is good. Coming home is better!
~When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age"!
~When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything.
~You forget names...but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
~The last two outfits you wore had spots on them.
~You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks
and they tell you the truth!
~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better
chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.
~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring
then he does in bed. It's called his   "pre-sleep".
~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case
you GET in an accident"? Now you  bring clean underwear in case
you HAVE an accident!
~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married..
Now, " I hope they STAY married!"
~Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?
~You miss the days when everything worked with just
an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~You use more 4-letter words..."what?"..."when?"
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it.
~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
~Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.
~Your eyebrows are disappearing.
~You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs
but your chin needs to be plucked    daily!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have three sizes of clothes in your closet....
two of which you will never wear.
~But old is good in some things ... old songs, old movies,
AND BEST OF ALL ... OLD FRIENDS!

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

     A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON

      THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,

      THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL
      EVERY MORNING.

      THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE
      OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

      HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN,
      45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25
      GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,

      AND A 15-FOOT CRATER

      WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE. 
     
     

      Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

• Tweet

[DoggyDaddy]

$5.37 That's what the kid (Elmo) behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. “$5.37.”
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, “It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? “Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. “Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!” I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now?
I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?” All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.” I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, “It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

• Tweet