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Author Topic: Sex - Part 2  (Read 11862 times)

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Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2 - 20 Things NOT To Say During Sex.....
« Reply #15 on: October 16, 2010, 03:00:38 am »
20 Things NOT To Say During Sex.....Scroll all the way down.

1* I have to poop.
2* Smile for the camera
3* Get off me, i'll do it myself!
4* This is your first time.....Right?
5* You're almost as good as my ex!

6* When is this supposed to feel good?
7* I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs?
8* I was so horny tonight, I would have taken a sheep home.
9* Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
10* Hey! My friends were right, you ARE good!

11* On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
12* I'm soberin up and you're gettin ugly!
13* But everybody looks funny naked!
14* Do I have to pay for this?
15* No! You're too fat to be on top. You'd kill me!

16* Your sister likes it like this.
17* What's your name again?
18* Hold on, let me change the channel.
19* And The Winner Is.........
20* It's nice being in bed with someone I don't have to inflate.
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #16 on: November 01, 2010, 05:03:44 pm »
Vinnie is talking to Anthony: (In a thick Italian Accent)
 
Hey Antony.... You like a Lady with a Big Floppy Boobie that hang to their beltline???
Anthony says:" No I don't a like that"
So Antony you a like a lady with a Big Belly hanging over her Belt????
Anthony says;" No I don't a like"
So You like a lady with a BIG FAT AZZZZZ that look like a Cottage Cheese??????
Anthony says;" No I doesn't."
So tell me Antony.... You like a lady with a Mushtashe??? Looka like se not a shave for about a week?????
Anthony says:" NO.... I don't a like a lady like a that."
So Vinnie finally asks;
 
"So why you a foock my wife??????"
 
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2 - Illegal Immigrant Sex
« Reply #17 on: April 15, 2011, 07:44:39 pm »
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker..

"Hey, sista, how much you charge for da hour?" he says,
"$100" she says.
In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No, she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant  style."
 

She thinks,
"Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes
from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something
perverted and disgusting.
But that was good.
So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies,
"You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS,
IS EXACTLY WHAT THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS
ARE DOING TO US!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2011, 12:05:42 am »
POSSIBLE CONDOMN SLOGANS
1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #19 on: April 20, 2011, 07:35:37 pm »

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox... While he was there, a very attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing just a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns, they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers,
"Outside when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2011, 07:38:59 pm »
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2011, 12:43:25 am »

On his 16th b-day a farmer sends his son to town, with $20, to learn bout the facts of life. Farmer tells son, "Go into the 1st building with a red light and they will teach you everything." So the kid finds the 1st building with a red is a beauty shop. He goes in and is greeted by a cute young thing who asks if she can help. She notices the $20 in his hand and takes him in the back. They do the deed and when finished, she offers a complimentary manicure since it was his 1st time.
Two weeks later the boy returns to town and is approached by that cute young thing who says, "Hey don't I know you?" He says, "Oh, yeah, I remember you, you're the one that gave me the crabs, then cut my fingernails so I couldn't scratch them."
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #22 on: April 27, 2011, 01:17:20 am »

Ten-year-old George is riding in the car with his mom and asks her where babies come from. Taking a deep breath, his mother explains the penis and the vagina, how the penis has sperm and the vagina holds eggs and how the man inserts his penis into the vagina, a sperm come out and fertilizes an egg and then 9 months later a baby is born. George is silent. His mother, concerned, asks, "I haven't upset you, have I?" "No," says George, "But I'm confused. I saw you and daddy this moring and his penis wasn't in your vagina." "Oh", says the mom, "That's because you asked me where babies came from, not diamonds".
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #23 on: May 14, 2011, 11:56:53 pm »
My Mother is a Travel Agent.  She specializes in Guilt Trips.
      
An elderly lady of 72 years went to her doctor who was also a very good friend of the family. She told him George (her husband) had slowed way down on his preformance but would not come into the office or admit to his problem. She requested a small prescription of Viragra that she could sneek into his food when he was not looking.
The doctor explained to her administering any drug with out the other party's knowledge could be very dangerious and certaintly was illegal. But he consented to giving her the prescription and cautioned her to be very careful.
Three days later the doc called their home to see how things went. She said, "GREAT, I am so greatful to you it was much more than I expecited. When he went to the Mens room I crushed up two tablets and slipped them into his coffee. By the time he had gotton to his Cherry Pie he suddenley riped off the table cloth, dishes went flying all over and he then pulled up my skirt and ravished me for about 20 minutes." The doctor told he was proud of her and would gladly pay for all broken dishes and glasses. She clammily said, "That won't be necessary. I don't think we are welcome at Denny's any more."
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #24 on: May 24, 2011, 12:13:22 am »
When my husband and I first got married we were told to get a large jar and every time we made love put nickels, dimes, quarters and half dollars in it then after ten years add it up and go on vacation. So a week before our l0th anniversary my husband produced the money jar or as I called it 'the honey money jar' and began spilling out the contents.
Out came nickels, dimes, quarters, half dollars. More money stuck to the bottom, so he shook the jar some more and out came dollar bills, 5 dollar bills, ten dollar bills and a hundred dollar bill. He shook his head and said, "Gee, I don't remember putting these bills in-especially a hundred dollar bill. Where did those come from?" I smiled and said, "WHAT DO YA THINK, EVERYONE'S AS CHEAP AS YOU!"
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #25 on: March 10, 2014, 01:31:34 pm »
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, [they found] there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26- year-old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/

Offline DoggyDaddy

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Re: Sex - Part 2
« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2016, 11:37:51 pm »
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after having sex?

"Honey, I will be home in 20 minutes."
Joe Kleinsmith
All State VFW Post 1716 Cmdr (1998-2000)
Cpt, VFW Post Honor Guard, Retired (1991-2009)
SC-SB County Council Cmdr (1996-1997)
SFC, US Army, Retired (1971-1991)
Full Time RV'er
www.vfwwebcom.org/ca/post1716
http://vfwwebcom.org/ca/Post1716HonorGuard/