Animals - Part 2

[American_Woman]

The director advertises that he needs a secretary.
Necessary skills: document forming, IT-knowledge and a foreign language.
After a couple of days a dog walks in. "I'm an open minded person,"
the pale-turned boss stutters, "but I need someone who can form documents..."
The dog sits down behind the computer and compiles a totally
decent business letter. "Yes, but the IT-knowledge..."
The dog quickly writes a little program. "Well, but foreign language?"
the totally amazed director asks.
"Meow!" says the dog.

LOL!!

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[DoggyDaddy]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.


Alternate punchline: I was sitting the driveway licking my balls and my wife backed over me with the car.



That reminds me of the one wherein two guys are watching a dog engaged in that ball-licking activity.

Says the first guy, "Man, I sure wish that I could do that.

Says the second guy, "don't you think you should pet him first?

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[DoggyDaddy]

 My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them
into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
 
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

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[DoggyDaddy]

Best Idea Yet, Mule Trading

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule                                                           died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do  that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world a'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said,  "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said,  "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"               
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly
grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit                                                           of $998."
The farmer  said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Limit all U.S. politicians to two Terms. One in office and One in prison

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[DoggyDaddy]

A man in rural Idaho wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Up North Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bulldog.
 
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
 
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there,
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
 
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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