Sex - Part 1

[DoggyDaddy]

HOW SEX STARTS

Now this is funny...true..but funny!!!

...a smile leads to a laugh ...a laugh leads to a high 5 ...a high 5 leads to a hug
...a hug leads to a kiss ...a kiss leads 2 makeout ...a makeout leads 2 finger
...a finger leads to a hand ...a hand leads to a lick ...a lick leads to a suck
...a suck leads 2 a F!==.  

So tell me how many people are you gonna smile at after you heard this cuz sex is like math.
...u add the bed ...subtract the clothes ...divide the legs ...leave your solution
...and pray you don't multiply!  
If you remember to have a good rubber eraser on the end of the pencil,
you can forget about the multiplication problem.

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[DoggyDaddy]

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.

They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother
is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb
up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is
sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce"
if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

She screams

Lettuce!!!

Tomato!!!

Whoa!!!   

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts up,     "Hey,
would you guys stop making sandwiches up there!
You're getting mayonnaise all over my face   

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[DoggyDaddy]

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.


As I walked in almost awake, she turned & said softly,'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'


My eyes lit up & I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'


Not wanting to lose the moment,I embraced her & then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' & returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.


A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'


She explained . . .''The egg timer is broken.'

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[DoggyDaddy]

                  Seven Types of Woman Orgasms

Optimist -   OhYes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes.....

Pessimist -  On No, Oh No, Oh No...

Confused -  Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No...

Traveler -    Ahh, I'm Coming, I'm Coming....

Religious -   Oh God, Oh God, Oh God...

Greedy -      Ahh, More, More, More....

Murderer -   Ahh, if you take it out, I will kill you...

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[DoggyDaddy]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing. The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day
I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on
was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused
that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!
When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on
that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,
a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote,
sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

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[DoggyDaddy]

1.  When I was born, I was given a choice - A big  dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I  chose.

2.  Your birth certificate is an apology letter from  the condom  factory.

3.  A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for  sex, she  objects.

4.  Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard  feelings....'

5.  There are only two four letter words that are  offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop',
unless  they are used  together.

6.  Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next  to the best thing on  earth.

7.  There are three stages of sex in a man's life: 
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try  Weakly.

8.  Virginity can be  cured.

9.  Virginity is not dignity, its lack of  opportunity.

10.  Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't  have a good partner,
you'd better have a good  hand.

11.  I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the  dialer were too  small...

12.  Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep  with the  enemy.

13.  Q: What's an Australian  kiss?
A:  The same thing as a French kiss, only down  under.

14.  A couple just married were happy with the whole  thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was  happy with the  Thing......

15.  Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a  mans life?
A:  Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife  doesn't.

16.  Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye  contact?
A:  Breasts don't have  eyes.

17.  Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your  troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with  their wives!!

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[DoggyDaddy]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
 
"I don't think I have ever heard of  that one," said the other cowboy..
 
"What is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper
in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
 
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."

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[DoggyDaddy]

BACKWOODS SEX
 
 A week after their marriage, the backwoods newlyweds,
Ed and Arlene, paid a visit to their doctor.

 "You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband.
"My thingy's turnin' blue."

 "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

 The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy"
really was blue.

 The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm
that I prescribed for you?"
  "Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

 "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

 "Grape," she said.

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[DoggyDaddy]

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife, Diane,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that  husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each  other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'

Fred leaned over, touched Diane's arm gently and whispered,
'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Fred's life of celibacy..........

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[DoggyDaddy]

The husband leans over and asks his wife,  'Do
You remember the first time we had sex together
Over  fifty years ago?    We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
 
 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
 
 
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and
we can do it for old time's sake?'
 
 
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
 
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
Their conversation  and,
Having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having sex Against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no Trouble.
So he follows them...
 
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking Sticks...
 
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..
 The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in...
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
 This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises  and
Moaning and screaming.
 Finally, they both collapse, panting on the Ground.
 
The policeman is amazed.    He
Thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
Recovering,  the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to
Himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
 
 
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'
 
 
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence '

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[DoggyDaddy]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory..
....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object.. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,
you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
    Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
    Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!

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[DoggyDaddy]

A Story of a Boy's First Condom


               I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went
in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.

               There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked
if I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered,  'No, this is my first
time.'

               So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it
over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

               I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all
around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she
said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

               Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these
excite you?' She asked.

       Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

       She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping
it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said,  'We  don't have much time.'

       So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I
could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

       She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom
on?' she asked.

       I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

       She then beat the shit out of me.

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[DoggyDaddy]

 
Lena is pregnant with Ole's child.
 
Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
 
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby.
 
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, 'A son! Ain't dat Great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!' The doctor den held up a little girl..  He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!' She's a pretty little ting, too.'
 
Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, 'Holey Moley, Ole we still ain't done yet!' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!'
 
Ole was flabbergasted by this news!
 
A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , 'How come we got tree on the first try?'
 
Lena said, 'You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?'
 
Ole said, 'Yeah, I do.. Uffda! It's a good ting I didn't get the  WD-40 !!.
 
 

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[DoggyDaddy]

Sex on Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male
Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long
and just a quarter-inch  thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, 
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement
is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go
their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .
She kept  slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

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[DoggyDaddy]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)[/size]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and  a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found
me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office
and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black
bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he
didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we
had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black
bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this…..)



"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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