Cemeteries, Funerals and the dearly departed

[DoggyDaddy]

     A most unusual funeral

      A man was leaving a convenience store with his
      morning coffee when  he noticed a most unusual
      funeral procession  approaching the nearby cemetery.
      A long black hearse was  followed by a second long
      black hearse about 50 feet behind the  first one.
      Behind the second hearse was a  solitary man walking
      a pit  bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
      were about 200 men walking single file.

      The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
      He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said,
      'I am so sorry for your loss', I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
      but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

      'My wife's'

      'What happened to her?'

      The man replied, 'She raised her hand to me
      and my dog attacked and killed her.'

      He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

      The man answered, 'My mother-in-law.
      She was trying to help my wife and the dog turned on her.'

      A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
      between the two men.


      Can I borrow the dog?'

      'Get in line'

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[Redmaxx]

LMAO. Good one DD.

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[DoggyDaddy]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped from the tree and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though,
the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me  the truth.
Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the kid on the bike.

SMILE, God Loves You!!

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[DoggyDaddy]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

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[DoggyDaddy]

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife",
said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great
news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12
twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging
to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the
great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.

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[DoggyDaddy]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50
Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He
respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?

"The man replied, "Get in line.

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[DoggyDaddy]

A Homeless Man ’ s Funeral 
 
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
 
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
 
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
 
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
Apparently I'm still lost....  it's a man thing .

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